Sometimes, I fight on the side of my obstacles.
I take up my sword (untrue thoughts) and my shield (the state of victimhood), and I turn on myself.
When I observe myself pushing back against the words of encouragement gifted to me by others, I’m fighting myself.
Them: “You look so beautiful”
Me: “Except that my hair is terrible, and I’ve got a huge breakout going on, thanks”
It’s almost embarrassing to even write that out because it seems so small and trivial and yet, so normal too.
Even if I don’t say it out loud, there’s often a part of me on the inside that won’t let those words land; like I don’t deserve them. So, I smile and nod, I say the right thing, and I block the word beautiful from landing in the place that feels good inside my body. That word is for someone else. I do it unconsciously unless I, by some miracle, awaken to notice the almost undetectable dialogue going on inside.
Then I have to ask myself, why don’t I want myself to feel good?
But, I do want myself to feel good. I can feel that truth. (Now, I’m suddenly back to fighting for myself, did you notice that?)
Okay, so that means that my mind is convincing me of some kind of untruth (in order to protect me, of course), and I have taken the bait. My mind has believed the lie, and the proof is the feeling in my body that I don’t deserve that good feeling.
That’s the untruth at the root of this whole thing is that I believe that I don’t deserve the good feelings because somehow I am not good.
And that’s some childish bullshit right there.
And I know it.
So, something’s got to change in me. I can’t keep walking around in my life believing untruth and taking up my sword and shield in the name of my obstacles without my permission.
The next question becomes, what do I need to do to prove to myself that I do deserve good feelings?
First, I need to remember that I don’t need to do anything else or be anything else to deserve good feelings. Good feelings are my birthright.
Next, I need to keep in mind that my ego is often reduced to becoming a liar in order to protect me in the way it thinks it should. Often, my ego will try to protect me by using the oldest and the dirtiest tricks in the book. She’ll pull out moments from my past to invite depression in. Certainly, someone who is depressed will stay safe at home and look how safe we are here without anything else to put us in harm’s way. Or perhaps she’ll pull out a fear of the future and bring anxiety to the party.
It’s important for me to remember, when she’s the loudest, that my ego is not the arbiter of truth; that job belongs to the heart. The heart knows, but she’s not going to yell louder than the ego. She’s patient, and she only wants what you want. And if what you want is bad feelings, well, she’s willing to go along with that for as long as you can stand it.
The heart is patiently waiting for us to show up and knock on her door for a little advice about the good feelings we’re rejecting. Maybe she’ll even reveal the source of the problem to you so you can finally deal with your triggers once and for all. You just have to get quiet and listen to what comes.
And finally, I need to tackle the beast. I find that action is the death blow to low self-worth issues. If I want to change my mind about what I’m capable of doing without dying so my ego can get the hell out of my way, then that’s what I need to do.
Enter the #WakeUp100.
I find that the challenge of doing something hard every day for 100 days makes my ego really tired. And when she’s tired, she’s awfully quiet. There’s not time to get in your headspace if you’ve filled it with something else.
- When I show up at the gym every day, I remember I am strong, capable, and alive inside. That’s beautiful. Now I remember.
- When I show up to meditate every morning, I remember I am focused, determined, and the master of my internal state.
- When I show up to stay on a budget or remain financially disciplined, I remember I want something more for my life, and I am the creator of that destiny.
- When I show up to do the hard work in counseling or therapy, I remember I am never stuck and that my happiness is of the utmost importance.
- When I show up consistently to work, I remember that I love what I get to do, and I am writing the story of my career.
- When I show up to connect with my friends and family and make them feel special, I remember how relationships are the only thing we get to take with us from this life on earth and that I need others to hold up mirrors for me on my journey back to myself.
Each day that I show up to the #WakeUp100 challenge, I take one step closer to myself and one step closer to wholeness.
If you’re struggling to keep motivated for the 100 days, I find that it helps to break them down into 25-day quarters.
- Days 1-25: I simply show up. I congratulate myself for a job well done, and I move on with my day.
- Days 26-50: I show up, and this time I do it with a good attitude. I don’t start until I remember why I showed up in the first place, and my attitude matches my intention.
- Days 51-75: I show up with a good attitude, and I give 100% of my effort. These are the days that will test you. Attitude and effort together are an absolute ego-crusher. Expect to slip into fighting for your obstacles on some of these days so you can be aware of it and stop it at the first hint of negativity.
- Days 76-100: I show up with a good attitude, I give 100% effort and then I shower myself with compliments and praise. I say out loud how grateful I am for the ability to do anything I want to do in my life. I spend my days at the end of this challenge in the highest vibrational feelings I can muster.
It’s amazing how much changes in you when you make the decision to stop fighting for the enemy.
You can do it all.
XO,
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