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It doesn’t always look like you think it will.

Deconstruction has many faces.

You’ve probably heard the word tossed around the internet focused on personal and spiritual growth.

Deconstruction.

Sounds kinda negative, to be honest. 😅

Sounds pretty scary when it’s applied to who you are and what you believe is true and real in the world.

So let’s talk about it.

A construct is simply a mental image, idea, or theory, formed from a number of simpler elements to define something more complex.

Here’s an example: your character is a construct of personal values, personal rules, and morals (among other things), including self-control and willpower.

I defined my identity by a lot of those things: values, rules, and morals. “This is who I am, and this is what I care about based on what I believe to be true in and about the universe.”

But did I choose these rules?

Did I evaluate and carefully apply values to my life, or did I inherit what my parents valued? Where did they get their values? Their parents? Church? School? Television? Culture? And who informed all of those things?

I know one thing for sure didn’t inform them: me.

So, what happens when I change my mind about something I once defined my character by?

What happens when I no longer subscribe to the rules I was brought up to compare my behavior to?

What happens when I start laying down every construct to fully evaluate it before I pick it back up again?

Deconstruction feels like losing yourself to find yourself. It feels like a death some days. If I’m not careful, it can feel like shame, denial, anger, regret, and depression.

Each day I get up, and I go about my life a little different than the day before.

I sometimes feel like a stranger in my own body.

Deconstruction is just a fancy way to say, “I’m re-evaluating.”

You can call it a midlife crisis if you want.

But it’s not a crisis at all, it’s an awareness that sometimes causes discomfort until you’re ready to look it in the eyes. And when you do, you’ll see that you’re so much more than you’ve let yourself believe.

Im going to keep digging and reevaluating until I find the truth of it all. I’m pretty sure I’ll know it when I feel it.