read the blog

Okay, here we are again.

I think the first one is going to hurt every time I read it down the road, but it’s real and that is what matters. I hope the girls understand how much I value my relationship with them when they read this story. I also hope I look back at this and smile at how much better I feel about my family situation as opposed to how I feel right now. I’ve left some of it private because I’m not trying to put anyone on blast here on the ‘ol blog. Plus, that’s not the point of this story, it’s just to paint a real picture of what our family situation looks like.

The second story makes me smile about how scrapbooking has come full circle for me over the years.

Story 26: Covet | “Maybe It’s the Grief Talking”

i know it’s a sin to covet, i’ve clearly not mastered this. there are a ton of things that i want. i’m selfish like that. it’s an area of opportunity in my life. fact.

the thing i want more than anything are family members that play an active role in our lives. really, i want family members that play an active role in my girls’ lives. i believe family is so important and yet, we find ourselves seriously lacking in this department.

this is probably a really serious and personal topic to be broaching in this kind of a forum, but i think it’s important to be honest about it.

look, i realize that my mom played an irreplaceable role in our family. she was the one that was fully invested in our happiness. she called, she video chatted, she saw us every month once we moved from arizona to colorado. she knew what we were doing and what was going on with us. i’m not sure why, but it feels good to be loved like that.

my brothers and i do talk more now than we did when mom was around…the same goes with michael’s siblings. michael’s sister crystal came to visit with her family and besides my aunt mary, they were the first and only family members to actually come and see us in reno.  i love that they came out here. i hope we’ll make this something we do regularly with her family. … michael’s younger brother jacob is great. he visited with crystal this year, but he is still in high school, which makes traveling difficult. … michael’s grandparents love the girls so much but they have a hard time traveling. my grandma is very sick and i honestly don’t even know if she knows the girls’ names.

…and there you have it. all of the dirty laundry, if that’s what you want to call it.

it’s strange to hang out with friends and their families. it becomes painfully clear what we’re missing out on. it’s the helping hand. it’s the environment where we can just let the girls go and be themselves without worrying that they’re getting on someone’s nerves. it’s being able to just leave the girls with someone for a few hours or a couple of nights because they want that time with the girls.

so, like a jealous little kid, i covet the relationships that others have with their family and i feel very, very, very alone. maybe this is just grief talking, maybe it’s not. either way, it’s hard.

Story 27: Hobby | “Priorities Change”

this book, right here? this is my hobby.

the best thing about it is that my hobby serves a great purpose. someday, i’ll look through these books and laugh at all the crazy things we did. i’ll cry because my babies are so grown up now. i’ll be so glad that my hobby involves recording memories.

i got into scrapbooking in my last semester at arizona state (2003). i got so into it, in fact, that it became my job for a while. i worked at scrapbook stores and i created layouts for publication. i loved that job. i was good at it. when i started at university of phoenix and broke up with my ex-boyfriend, i let scrapbooking go. i quit all of my design teams and i didn’t pick it up again until right before i got married. even then, i only did it here and there. as soon as boston and teagan entered the picture, my scrapbooking days were over. though i missed it, i just didn’t make time for it.

priorities change.

fast forward 3 and a half years. i’m feeling guilty about not getting memories and kid stuff into books for the girls. it’s important to do that because you never know what might happen in life (see “listen” story).  i came across the “project life” scrapbooking system and i immediately wanted to do it. i decided to try it digitally since all my scrapbook stuff is boxed up in the garage. i started in january and i’m going to keep at this. i hope i can catch up with my photos from the last 3 years and then give copies of these books to boston, teagan & kennedy when they’re older.

priorities change.

it is time for me to make our memories a priority again.